Stories

I am totally exhausted and just want to crawl into my bed, but I can't do it until I write this down. I am feeling completely overwhelmed with love right now and want to remember this.

As per our usual bedtime routine tonight (PJs, pee, brush teeth, lay out clothes scarecrow for tomorrow, read 2 stories, listen to one story on CD....), Bradyn yelled out "Put the CD back in the book". When I went into her room, she asked if I would read her another story. Feeling my defences down, I said no, but that I would cuddle in bed with her for 5 minutes. I crawled under the covers with her, she threw her arm over me, and we layed there, face to face, not saying anything. I'd close my eyes then open them slightly to see what she was doing. If she wasn't staring into space over my shoulder, she was looking at me and would smile when I caught her eye. Her breath smelled sweet - a combination of licorice and bubble gum toothpaste. I just wanted to eat her up. I couldn't stop myself from kissing her chubby, soft cheeks.

Getting restless, Bradyn again asked if I would read a story. I said no, but that she could read to me. Excited, she picked up a book and started..... "Twas was the night before the night before Christmas with so much to do. The tree wasn't up yet and mom had the flu...." She has most of the book memorized but at the parts she couldn't quite remember, she got all quiet and mumbled a little until she got to a part she remembered. My heart was absolutely melting. She got animated in parts, explained parts to me, and made me realize why she is always begging us to read stories. When was the last time someone read to you? Do it - grab your favourite kids book, cuddle up in bed with a little light on and have someone read it to you. It's wonderful.

She then picked up The Little Drummer Mouse, but had some trouble. We haven't read this book as often and it's pretty long. She'd say a few words then look at me and ask me to tell her what this page was about. I'd give her the Coles Notes version, and she'd repeat it back, along with some extra sentences she had remembered. A few pages in, I realized this story was going to take way too long, so I promised I'd read it to her in the morning. We had hugs and kisses, I tucked her in and said 'good night'.

Of course the loving glow has diminished a bit because she has come into the office twice, asking for her pillow and then a blanket, but I'm still just in absolute awe that my little baby just read me stories. Kevin walked in during the stories and I could tell by the look on his face that he felt the same thing I did. Total, undescribable love. She's not even 4 yet, and I'm desperately missing my baby. I have a digital frame on my desk at work and I recently loaded it with new pictures, including some baby ones. When the corner of my eye catches one of Bradyn at 6-12 months, my head spins and I can't help but stare. She was so chubby and the smiles filled her whole face. I remember the scenes like it was yesterday. Please tell me these memories won't fade. It would break my heart to forget.

I needed this tonight. With all the stress of work, Christmas shopping and panic over not getting things done, I needed to stop and just enjoy Bradyn. I have to remind myself to do it more often. I need to remember she isn't here just to drive me crazy (well, maybe a little, just to keep me on my toes), but that she is here to remind me to stop and enjoy the little things in life. I never imagined motherhood would be so hard, but I also had no idea just how wonderful it would be.