Guilt

Tuesday morning started out with the makings of being a fantastic day. As we were getting ready to head off to daycare, Bradyn said 'Hi Daddy'. An actual 'sentence'. Sure, I would have been happier if she'd said 'Hi Mommy' (or even just Mommy for that matter), but the tears still came to my eyes when she said it.

When I dropped Bradyn off at daycare, same time as usual, she was the first to arrive. This was the first time that had ever happened. I felt a little bad about her being there first, but I knew she would love the one on one time with her caregiver. I also knew her friends would be arriving close behind.

I had a mentally draining day at work on Tuesday, full of conference calls and meetings. By the time I left to pick Bradyn up, I was pretty wiped out. When I arrived at daycare (only 5 minutes later than usual), Bradyn was the last baby there. I literally felt my heart break. I had promised myself that my child would never be that kid who was the first one dropped off in the morning and the last one to be picked up at the end of the day. And yet, it had happened. Bradyn was clearly oblivious to the fact that being the last one there was a bad thing (at least in my mind it was), because she was all smiles and having a great time.

After chatting with Bradyn's caregiver, I realized that it was just a fluke. 2 of the other children arrived late that day and the little girl who is usually there last was picked up early (her mom is due with baby #2 later this month, so she's working shorter days). It didn't make me feel any less guilty.

I love my baby with all my heart, but I have to work outside of our home. Why is it that society makes working mothers feel guilty? Or maybe it's not society... maybe it's us working mothers that create the guilt and put it on ourselves. Either way, it's not right. Knowing that I can't be home with Bradyn every day, I take a lot of comfort in knowing that she is in a wonderful daycare with 2 ladies that love her dearly. I wish I could spend more time with her, but for right now, things are the way they need to be.

Maybe this happened for a reason. Maybe I needed a little reminder that life's too short and that I need to appreciate the time I have with my family. Work is my job, but being there when my family need me is my career.

On that note, I feel the need to look in on my sleeping babies.